Location: The Humboldt Outdoor

Gunja busts in the front door and exclaims, “did you hear what happened?” I reply, “what?”

“Murders.”

“What murders?”

“There’s a serial killer in our neighborhood.”

“Shut up!”

“For real, here it is in the newspaper.”

Gunja folds open the newspaper he brought and lays it on the table, “check it out.”

The newspaper headline reads “Gluttony Serial Killer!”

Under: “The Gluttony Serial Killer stakes out your house, learns your tendencies and your schedule, then waits for you to leave.  He then breaks in, cooks the best meal he can with what you have in your kitchen, leaves it on your dining table, and disappears. Sounds like every husband’s dream, right?  The only catch is he poisons the food and by the time you're dead, he’s long gone. So if you find a meal waiting for you when you get home, immediately call the police. The police have pieced together clues and say that the key to catching the Gluttony Serial Killer may be that he strikes only in this county and mainly stalks obese people.”

His last victim had nothing in the kitchen besides sweets and a large bag of grapefruits left at his house by his mother from when she was over recently on holiday. He came home to find a delectable array of desserts based on the theme of grapefruit. His last words were actually, “I’m throwing up grapefruits!”

I state, “damn that’s crazy, sounds like this guy can cook better than me!”

Gunja replies “right, and it says here the last house he got was within three blocks from here.”

“Well whatever, what can you do...”

We go about our regular night and go off to work the next day. When we arrive that night we see a fully cooked shredded flank steak meal with Spanish rice and red beans next to a side of fried plantains.  It smelt absolutely amazing. Looked better than when I cook the same meal. I would know, I bought the ingredients. I mean good like something out of an authentic Puerto Rican eatery, the best place to eat in this imaginary Puerto Rican village… I mean there’s a line like 3 blocks down the street everyday because that shit is so goddam good!  Really dude, like if your girl ate that shit, she would squirt like a citrus blast good!

I look over at Gunja read the expression on his face and say, “you're getting fat.”

He replies, “I’m eating that shit anyway!”

Written by,

Dusti Stoves